The Ghostley Witch

Or

How Come No One Noticed The Temporary Transformation of Frau Linkmeyer

A puffy little cloud hovered over Stalag 13. In itself, that was nothing unusual: it was a typical autumn-day for the western part of Germany, and the sky was overcast with gloomy rainclouds as far as the eye could see.

But believe it or not, there was something unusual about this one little cloud. For this cloud happened to be the personal retreat of an old German witch: Hella die Hexe. And if you looked real closely, you could see her peering over the edge of her little cloud.

"What a treasure!" she whispered with excitement in her voice. "A whole camp full of soldiers! This might mean the end of my troubles!"

She directed her cloud a little closer, to be able to distinguish the men milling about in the compound. It sure looked promising. Very promising indeed! Of course all these guys wouldn´t be of much help; according to their way of dressing, they were obviously paupers. Only a few of them would classify as middle-class. The bonus for marrying that kind was only a few years´ prolongation of her own life – surely you´re acquainted with the fact that witches keep themselves young by marrying? And Hella knew all too well her time was almost up. She had to marry within the week, or else...

It hadn´t been easy lately. The war had taken its toll on the stock of available bachelors, and those who had yet managed to escape the fate of death were not really in a marrying mood. And to think that things were just getting back to normal after the vast abundance of desperate ladies fighting over the few men left over after that other war!

But perhaps this was the turning-point. The area below was obviously some kind of prison. And a prison must have people in charge. Important people. Big shots. Marrying one of those would keep her with the living for another ten years at least! With so many men under his command! If only the Kommandant of this place were a bachelor... Please?

The best thing to do of course was marrying a king. Or a president. That would guarantee a twenty-five year´s extension of her life. Actually, she had contemplated on marrying that nut in Berlin. He may have a girl-friend, but he was not married yet. And he had power. Lots of it. But observing him from her little cloud, she had decided he was too much. Even for her. Usually she didn´t care if her grooms were stupid or ugly, as long as they´d agree to marry her. But everything has its limits.

Now where were the commanders of this prison? Could that be one of them: the impeccable guy emerging from the one finer, green building in the compound, yelling something about a report? Dressed in a becoming blue uniform, a monocle on his eye and a riding crop under his arm he was far more worth noticing than any other man within eyesight. Distinguished. Handsome even, in a way. And the best of it all – she peered closer just to make sure – he was not wearing a ring!

Excellent. He would be her next groom.

Now all she had to find out was who her competition was, and then...

♦

After making some enquiries around, Hella discovered that the man in question was named Colonel Wilhelm Klink, and that he was the highest ranking military officer in the Hamelburg area. And that was the only reason some of the town´s female population were mildly interested in him, even though no one seemed to be certain as to whether the man returned any of those feelings. At least the feelings he showed towards them were highly inconsistent. No, instead he was generally disliked for being a pompous fool.

Well, so much the better.

There was however one lady who apparently did have a keen interest in marrying this colonel. Her name was Gertrude Linkmeyer, a widow, and sister to Colonel Klink´s superior: a General Burkhalter.

Good.

Then this Frau Linkmeyer would provide her with the necessary ticket to marry Klink.

♦

The first thing to do of course was pay a visit to this Frau Linkmeyer. So the following day, Hella climbed down from her cloud and rang the doorbell at the modest Linkmeyer residence.

The door was opened by a plump woman with four double chins. "Ja?"

"Gutentag, gnädige Frau. I am Major Meyer of the Geheime Household Polizei. And you are Frau Gertrude Linkmeyer, the owner of this house?"

"Ja, that is correct." Frau Linkmeyer eyed her suspiciously. "The Geheime Household Polizei? I have never heard of it."

"It is a new policy from our beloved Führer. He has issued the decree that every house in the glorious Third Reich must reflect the superiority of the Aryan race. Which means that a German home must be far superior in cleanliness, neatness, tidiness and of course in furnishing. So if you will allow me to come in to check your arrangements, we will get this over with quickly."

While she spoke, Hella efficiently drank in Frau Linkmeyer´s features, gestures, habits and thoughts. That was necessary for her upcoming masquerade as Frau Linkmeyer.

The real Frau Linkmeyer however gave her a defiant look. "My house is in perfect order. The Führer need not worry about my housekeeping!"

"Well, then you have no objection to my inspection, have you?" Hella countered, and quickly added: "Heil Hitler!"

"Heil Hitler!" Frau Linkmeyer echoed rigidly.

Hella stepped past her and entered the living-room. She pulled a white glove out of her pocket. "Well, let´s see now."

The house sure looked clean enough. Everything shone with polish. Oh well, that was easily remedied. A simple thought attracting dust and Schmutz, and... "Frau Linkmeyer, look at this!"

Frau Linkmeyer instantly reacted to the commanding tone of her uninvited guest. Not that she could ignore the pitchblack fingertip waving under her nose anyway. "But... that is impossible!"

"Impossible, you say?" Another brush over the ridges. The next fingertip came off even blacker. And Frau Linkmeyer paled visibly under the major´s flashing eyes.

"Frau Linkmeyer, I shall have to report this. Your housekeeping is a disgrace! It´s so bad it could easily be classified as an act of treason against the Führer. If he wants the houses in his Reich to be nice and clean, then they should be nice and clean. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Frau Linkmeyer just stood there. Tonguetied. Her mouth opened and closed, opened and closed, like a fish out of the water.

"Very well. I will be back in a week, and I want to see this house shining. Understood? From the cellar to the chimney top! All corners, all ridges, all the walls and windows washed. Not a single speck of dust will I find. You have seven times twenty-four hours to wipe out the shameful impression you made. I suggest you get started."

And with those words she marched out of the house. She knew enough. Starting this afternoon, she would pose as Frau Linkmeyer, while the real Frau Linkmeyer would be conveniently out of the way, scrubbing around the clock.

She didn´t even bother to check whether Frau Linkmeyer really did start cleaning. Hella was female enough to know that no housewife could possibly resist a slight like this. Loyal to the Führer or not, Frau Linkmeyer would accept the challenge. She´d be cleaning like possessed this week.

♦

After planting the idea to inspect Stalag 13 into General Burkhalter´s head, Hella considered how she could get an unavoidable marriage proposal from this Klink. Perhaps some kind of intimate introduction would do the trick. Not from himself of course – he wasn´t to know a thing about his future happiness yet. Perhaps one of his guards could play for Cupid and write her a loveletter in his name?

As she floated over Stalag 13 on her little cloud, she studied her options. Who could have enough interest in Klink to write this loveletter for her without thinking he´d be doing something strange?

Not one of his guards. No, her mind was drawn towards one of the prisoners. She studied him for a while. Apparently he was the leader of the prisoners. And he was full of crazy ideas. Well, one more crazy idea wouldn´t make much difference then.

♦

The next day Hella skilfully intercepted Frau Linkmeyer´s mail. She wouldn´t notice; she was too busy cleaning.

Settling down in the most comfortable corner of her little cloud, she opened the letter. A pleasant wave of after-shave welled up from the envelope. She inhaled it with joy. Ah, this guy knew how to properly seduce a lady! Maybe she should consider marrying him instead?

Well, perhaps as a last resort, in the unlikely case it didn´t work out with Klink. After all, he was but a prisoner; she would only gain a stay of execution by marrying him.

Well, let´s see how he does in the writing department.

Her eyes went quickly over the text. Hm, not bad. Not bad at all. "And so, my dear Gertrude – if I may call You by Your first name – it will give me great pleasure to have You visit our little Stalag again with Your brother the General. Perhaps we could even be alone, so I could tell You some of the things I could not say to You on Your last trip." If that wouldn´t convince Burkhalter to take her along, nothing would.

Then some more phrases about hoping to be able to greet her soon in his humble little Stalag, and an unmistakable "Yours affectionately, Wilhelm Klink."

"Good work, my boy!" she complimented the prisoner´s leader. "Now off to Burkhalter!"

♦

"Well, let the play begin!" she said as she called on General Burkhalter that evening.

She adjusted her mind and called out Frau Linkmeyer´s features. She was a modern witch; she had advanced beyond the physical discomforts of transformation. Instead, she worked by brain-control of her subjects. By controlling their brain-waves, she could have them see her exactly the way she wanted them to see her. And it also meant she didn´t have to bother with mere passers-by. One quick look in their minds and she knew whether she had to control their brain-waves, too, or she would simply let them see her for who she was.

With the decisive air of Frau Linkmeyer she rang the doorbell at the majestic Burkhalter mansion. Soft footsteps approached the door; it was opened by the butler.

"Gutenabend, gnädige Frau," he greeted her.

"Gutenabend, Heinrich. Please tell the General and Frau Burkhalter that I am here."

"Wie Sie wünschen, gnädige Frau. Nehmen Sie Platz, bitte."

Hella sat down on one of the very rigid chairs in the hall. The butler disappeared, and after a minute or so the bulky figures of the Burkhalter couple struggled to appear in the doorway.

"My dear Gertrude, how nice to see you!" the general cooed.

"You must stay for dinner," his wife insisted while slipping a bonbon in her mouth. "We´re just having a simple meal tonight: whole roasted Schwein and potatoes, but we can always ask the cook to kill a few extra chickens. That way we may all have enough. And if not... oh well, there is a war on, isn´t there? We all have to make sacrifices for the Fatherland nowadays."

The general took Hella´s coat and she was ushered into the grandly furnished living-room.

"Would you care for a bonbon, dear?" Frau Burkhalter offered.

Hella accepted, and her hostess took a handful herself, too.

"It is time for the appetizers, my dear," her husband announced. "Let us repair to the dining-room, shall we?"

Hella followed them, and chattered away with Frau Burkhalter. No one suspected a thing. To them, she was Gertrude Linkmeyer.

Of course she was. Her powers of deception had never failed.

After the hearty seven course appetizer the main course was carried in by four servants. And Hella could only just keep herself from blinking in awe.

It was the king of the pigs; the biggest Schwein she had ever seen in her millennium long life. It was as big as a well-grown bull! It was placed on a huge tray, with an apple in its mouth and its fat belly resting on a bed of Sauerkraut and mustard sauce. A pink bow prided its carefully curled Schwanz.

The Burkhalters felt their mouths water, and the general could only just manage the politeness to say "Bon appétit, meine Damen" before ravenously attacking the beast before him.

The tray was empty within twenty minutes.

As the servants carried out the empty tray and replaced it with a three liter bowl of chocolate pudding, the general kindly inquired how his sister was doing in the marital business. "Any chance of a new lover for you yet, my dear?"

Finally, there was an opportunity for harmless conversation. "Oh ja. I received a letter the other day. From your Colonel Klink. A loveletter."

Burkhalter gave her an astonished look. "Klink? A loveletter?! I wasn´t even aware of the fact that he was able to write at all!" He laughed.

"Here, let me read it to you," Hella offered. And she took out the letter from he purse and read it out loud for the eating couple.

Frau Burkhalter helped herself to a few more spoonfuls of whipped cream and said: "Really, Albert, I´m beginning to believe you underestimate this Klink. Who would have thought he could be this romantic?"

Hella gave a determined nod. "Exactly. And since it´s best to strike the iron while it´s hot, I would like to accompany Albert on his next visit to Klink´s camp."

Burkhalter smiled. "But of course, Gertrude! Everything to get my dear sister happily married again! And to get her out of my hair," he added under his breath.

Hella gave him angry scowl, but chose to ignore his impertinent remark. After all, she got what she wanted, didn´t she?

"Danke, Albert. When is your next visit?"

"I was planning an inspection next week. You are welcome to come along, if you like."

Hella pouted. "Next week...! That´s ages away!" Such a wait wouldn´t do her any good either. "Why not tomorrow, Albert? The iron Klink is hot now; who knows, he might have cooled down considerably by next week. Can´t you do this inspection tomorrow?"

"She is right, Albert," Frau Burkhalter said as she helped herself to another generous helping of chocolate pudding. "That letter sounds really hot. You wouldn´t want to have your poor sister risk losing this Klink´s interest, would you?"

"Of course not," General Burkhalter agreed. "Well, tomorrow it is then. We leave at ten."

♦

It was going on lunchtime the next day when the car with General Burkhalter and Hella die Hexe alias Frau Gertrude Linkmeyer turned into the main gate of Stalag 13.

"Well, my dear, here we are. Your future home!"

Hella barely managed a faint smile in return. Not only had the general been a nuisance during the entire trip, teasing her with Klink´s affections ever since they left this morning, but now that they entered the camp, a hitherto ignored problem suddenly endangered her set-up. After all, this was a POW-camp. An all male POW-camp. With some fifteenhundred prisoners in it who but rarely got to see a woman. Which meant that especially her looks instantly drew the undivided attention of no less than fifteenhundred hungry males. Males who had all seen Frau Linkmeyer before. And gaining control over fifteenhundred sets of brain-waves at once was no piece of cake!

Still, she managed. It was a real tax on her brain, but she managed. And as the car pulled up to the office, and the fawning Klink appeared on the steps, she felt she could concentrate on the task ahead. Conquering Klink was what she was here for, and conquering Klink was what she was going to do. Even if she had overlooked the energy needed to have those other fifteenhundred men see her as Frau Linkmeyer, she would manage. She could handle it.

The general got out of the car.

"General Burkhalter, how nice to see you again!" Klink exclaimed with obviously fake joy.

"Klink," Burkhalter greeted him. And as he helped her out of the car, he added significantly: "You remember my sister, of course."

Klink visibly winced as she flirtingly winked at him and said: "Gutentag, Klink."

"Of course," he muttered while making an effort to hide his annoyance in a smile. He didn´t quite succeed.

And Hella sighed. Apparently there was more work to be done than she had anticipated. This could be a tough one. Especially with those other fifteenhundred or so brain-wave patterns she´d have to control. She could feel their eagerness, their interest in her. If time wasn´t such a pressing factor, she might even have enjoyed the experiment of deceiving so many people at once. But now...

Klink herded them to his private quarters, and after the social amenities had been dealt with, he insisted – though still somewhat reluctant – they´d have lunch with him. So a huge sergeant came in, set the table and served them as soon as they had taken their places; Hella next to Klink of course.

"May I ask why the general decided to put forward his visit?" Klink opened the conversation.

General Burkhalter smiled winningly. "I wanted to surprise you, Klink. And as for my sister: I mentioned my inspection here at our dinnerparty last evening. And Gertrude just announced that she was coming along."

She decided on a warm nod towards Klink in order to soften him up. "And here I am," Hella announced happily.

Klink looked a bit deflated. "I couldn´t be happier," he said with a touch of irony. But he quickly recollected himself and added: "Frau Linkmeyer, you couldn´t be more welcome as the general himself. We will give you the very best we have here at Stalag 13."

Burkhalter chuckled. "Nice way to treat a lady." And got an angry scowl from Hella right away: "Albert!" Was he always this annoying?

But the general ignored her outburst and continued his little game: "And the way my sister kept talking about you!"

"About me?" Klink sounded truly astonished. "What is there to say?"

Another laugh from Burkhalter. She was really getting cross with him now. She had enough trouble concentrating on conquering Klink while having to control over fifteenhundred sets of hungry brain-waves (or more); she didn´t need that fat Schwein to interfere with her flirting all the time!

"The conversation didn´t last too long," she curtly countered the general´s enthusiasm with the truth, and Klink – apparently relieved – sighed that he was flattered.

Was he?

But once again Burkhalter blended in: "What is this magic you have, Klink? You seem to grow on people!"

That´s it: he´d have to go. "Albert! You make him sound like some kind of a fungus!" And if you don´t shut up, I´m going to turn you into a giant stink-horn!

Fortunately for Burkhalter, there was a distraction, in the form of the big sergeant chuckling at her fungus-remark and promptly getting a tongue-lashing from Klink.

"More brandy for the general and Frau Linkmeyer, please," he then ordered his still chuckling sergeant.

"Yes, Herr Kommandant." The sergeant moved towards her and started to pour.

"Just a little. Enough!" she cautioned him. With all these brains to keep in line it was absolutely necessary to keep a clear head.

A glare at that big Burkhalter, and suddenly the general said as the sergeant approached him: "Not for me; I´m a bit tired. Anyway, I can imagine you two young people would like to be alone."

Klink looked around. Was he really that slow, or was he just acting? He didn´t look excessively stupid... "Young people? I don´t see any young people!" he crowed.

But Hella was getting tired of the men´s games. "Goodnight, Albert," she told her would-be brother with a stern look.

The general bowed for her in an outburst of nagging gallantry. "Goodnight, Gertrude. And as the French say: bonne chance! That means ´good luck´," he added to Klink.

With those words, General Burkhalter disappeared into the adjoining room. And an exasperated Hella shook her head. "He is terrible..." she sighed.

With an overly cheerful note in his voice, Klink wished his superior a good nap, too, adding under his breath to his faithfull sidekick: "You stay here, no matter what!"

But he had hardly uttered the words before a beaming General Burkhalter reappeared in the doorway: "Sergeant, come in here and help me with my boots." Apparently he thoroughly enjoyed his role as matchmaker, even though subtlety could not possibly be argued to be his strongest point.

Klink and his sergeant exchanged a look Hella couldn´t escape noticing. Did this man really fear Frau Linkmeyer that much? That could be fun. She might simply cow him into marrying her!

At that moment though, Klink was cowing the sergeant: "Well, what are you standing around here for? You heard the general!" And then another sweet: "Goodnight, General Burkhalter!"

Hella smiled and plunged down on the sofa. "Well. Here we are."

♦

"Well. Here we are."

The words remained hanging in the air, looming over them.

Cautiously, Klink turned around. "Indeed we are. We are here. There is no question about that," he babbled incoherently.

Hella sighed. "I remember that about you: a brilliant conversationalist." Yes, that much she had gathered from Frau Linkmeyer´s thoughts.

"Danke," Klink replied awkwardly.

A silence followed. Why didn´t he say something? Anything! Was she to guide him through the process, leading him by the hand or something?

Apparently, yes. Well, then she´d better take the bull by the horns and bring up the magical subject.

"Now that we are alone, what is it you wanted to say to me... Wilhelm?" See how he´d react to that.

At least he stepped closer. "Wilhelm? My first name?"

Boy, this was getting tiresome. Was he really that thick, or...? "If it´s Gertrude, then it should be Wilhelm," she said pointedly.

"Of course. You can not call me Gertrude, because that is your name." A pause as if he didn´t quite understand what he was jabbering about. "Er... if you know what I mean." He laughed nervously.

Was he up to something? Did he perhaps see through her?! No, she just had to concentrate!

"What is it you want to say to me, Wilhelm?" She´d pry it out of him if she had to. She had done it before. If only those other fifteenhundred or so guys didn´t require so much attention! She could feel their hopes, their dreams, their fancies... A woman, no matter how ugly, within reach... She had to keep working on their minds; if she wouldn´t, they would realize in a flash that they had seen someone else coming out of the general´s car. Someone entirely different looking from the Frau Linkmeyer they all had seen before.

In the meantime, Klink had gathered his wits and started stammering: "Well... now... Let me see... I have offered you more brandy... er... We have straightened out the name business... er..."

Hella pasted a smile on Frau Linkmeyer´s face. "You remind me of my first husband, Otto. He was shy, too." Now let´s get this show on the road, shall we? She pulled him down on the sofa, but somehow Klink managed to get seated as far away from her as he possibly could, apologizing: "Well, you see, a soldier like I is more at home in the rough company of men at the battlefield..."

"Good!" She cut him off with a forceful slap on the knee. It was bulldust anyway; Frau Linkmeyer knew all too well that this guy hadn´t seen a battlefield since the former war. It was time that she´d take things into her own hands, or she´d never get married. This guy was really slow, and she only had less than thirty-six hours left!

"I´ll handle this," she therefore announced with Frau Linkmeyer´s bossy air.

Klink cowered. "I´m sure you will." In a way, he was stunningly gallant. "Handle what?" Pity. That undid the gallant impression again of course.

Hella locked her eyes in his. "Concentrate!" she told herself. "It´s never been done before, controlling so many eager minds while conquering a not yet so willing husband-to-be. But you can do it! You have to!"

"I realize," she started speaking, "that I am not the most beautiful, the most fascinating woman in the world..."

"That´s true," Klink interrupted her.

How dare he! "You don´t need to agree with me so quickly, Wilhelm!" she snapped. After all, even witches have feelings!

Oh my, what was she doing!? Controlling fifteenhundred sets of brain-waves while luring a new groom into her webb really was a great strain on her mind!

Okay, reverse.

"Gertrude," she corrected him sweetly as he begged ´Frau Linkmeyer´ to forgive him. Another amicable slap on his knee.

"That´s right: Gertrude." Klink was obviously relieved that his slip of the tongue didn´t bring about a real argument – he knew he would always lose to a forceful lady like the general´s sister.

And finally, Hella could continue her primary attack: "I know I am going to make a certain man very happy. Make a good wife to him. Just what he needs."

Klink happily feigned enthusiasm. "Oh, there is no question about that in my mind! Congratulations!"

"Danke."

"Who is the lucky man? Do I know him?"

She sighed. That trick really was as old as the hills; she couldn´t believe men still used it to get out of a marriage. He would have to suffer for that later. But first: "Oh, you know him very well." A friendly pinch in his cheek. "Don´t be coy."

"Oh, I´m not trying to be coy, I..." He stopped short as realization visibly dawned upon him. "Me."

Right. Now she had to act quickly. Distract him before he could even begin to think of protesting. "A brandy please, Wilhelm."

She watched him bend forward and pour the brandy. One glass only. Apparently he was so shocked that he didn´t even consider pouring one for himself.

But as she reached out to receive the glass from him, he simply knocked it back himself.

She frowned. Did she have him in her power now, or...?

♦

The afternoon passed without her having the chance of working on Klink anymore. He was frantically busy with camp-business.

Well, so much the better in itself. Who´d want a husband at her back all the time? She certainly did not. All she wanted was to get married. The less she´d see of the guy afterwards, the better.

So she paraded a bit over the compound, relishing in the stares and whistles of no less than fifteenhundred eligible men. Well, at least if it didn´t work out with Klink, all she´d have to do was take her pick around the camp. And anyway, meeting those guys eye to eye made it easier to control their brain-waves, too.

♦

General Burkhalter did not show his face again until it was time for dinner.

"Well, how did you two get along today?" he enquired as they seated themselves.

"Very well, thank you," she replied. "Wedding-bells may ring sooner than you think, Albert!" A lot sooner than you think...

They waited for Klink to join them. But time passed, and Klink was and remained absent. The general´s stomach rumbled audibly.

"Sergeant," he said in the end, "we will eat, otherwise the food will get cold. I am sure Klink will not mind."

"Jawohl, Herr General."

So Schultz served, and they ate (and Burkhalter ate and ate and ate), till not even a single crumb was left.

General Burkhalter patted his big belly. "Very good dinner, sergeant," he complimented generously, even though Hella was sure he could eat another horse.

"Danke, Herr General," the sergeant answered.

At that moment, a hurried Klink came in. "Good evening, good evening."

"Good evening, Wilhelm," Hella greeted him more than just friendly.

"Kommandant, shall I take your coat?" the big sergeant offered.

Klink just hurried about the room. "No. I´m sorry, Schultz. I must go right out again. A little surprise visit to our patrols," he added to his superior officer.

General Burkhalter raised his eyebrows. "A surprise to me, too."

Time to play loving wife-to-be, Hella decided. "You have not had your dinner!" Not that there was anything left after letting that Burkhalter loose at it.

And Klink? To her utter surprise he turned quite charming all of a sudden: "Oh, I apologize. Please forgive me." He even took off his cap and bowed for her. Was he up to something? "I can stay just long enough to have some coffee. Schultz?" He sat down.

And Burkhalter stared at him in astonishment. "I never realized you were so dedicated to your job, Klink."

Didn´t he? Was Klink not usually this busy?

Oh, perhaps that cute leader of the prisoners – the one who had written Klink´s loveletter to her – had softened him up for her. She had indeed seen them talking together earlier this afternoon. In a sort of conspirational way, like two friends sharing a secret.

"I´m afraid that´s why I don´t have much of a social life," Klink was saying. "In a way, I am married to the war."

Well, so much the better; that meant he wouldn´t bother her too much. So she placed her hand over his and said quietly: "I think I understand, Klink."

He nodded his regret. "You know, Frau Linkmeyer, I have neglected you shamefully. But that´s the way I am."

Well, it was perfect for her! "Ja, I can see that. And I admire you for it."

Klink paled. "Er... admire?!" he uttered alarmed.

"Ja. I like a man who puts his job first. Women must learn to take second place. You have gone up in my estimation, Wilhelm."

What was that?! Klink shuddered! Was all this running around meant to discourage her instead?! Oh my badness... She really had to work on him, or else...

"Schultz," she heard him say dejectedly, "take this away. Get me a Schnapps. Make it a double."

♦

She didn´t quite know how he did it, but somehow Klink managed to stay completely out of her way for the next twenty-four hours. And all she could do was worry about her fate, and try to work on Klink´s mind. But she knew that was far less effective when they were not even in the same building.

Perhaps she should go to the prisoners instead. Time was running out. She could simply walk up to them and ask for their hand in marriage. With so many hungry men around, there was bound to be someone eager enough to accept. And that was all she needed to save her skin. It would be a very, very, very close call, but the agreement alone would keep her alive.

But then, just as she was about to put that plan into action, Klink walked up to her.

"My dear Frau Linkmeyer... Gertrude," he started. He seemed rather uneasy, but at least he noticed her again.

"Ja, Wilhelm?" Hope vibrated in her voice.

"Would you like to take a little tour in the car with me tonight? There is a full moon; it is bound to be a very romantic evening."

Hella simply radiated with happiness and relief. Apparently she was about to escape by the skin of her teeth, but she did it! She did it again! For surely, this could mean only one thing! "But of course, my dear Wilhelm. I would love to!"

"Shall we say nine o´clock then?"

"Sure." She wasn´t going to argue now that he´d finally come around, even though it was becoming a last-minute arrangement for her.

"Good. See you at nine o´clock then."

♦

That night she put a great deal of care into her appearance. It was a bit of a guess, since she couldn´t see herself as Frau Linkmeyer: when she looked in the mirror she saw plain old Hella die Hexe. But she hoped for the best. Her imaginative powers directed towards Klink would do the rest.

Promptly at nine o´clock, Klink knocked at her door. "Are you ready, Gertrude?" his voice sang. He sounded pretty happy. Well, it was going to be a happy evening, wasn´t it?

He handed her into the car, and came to sit next to her. Apparently, that big sergeant was to drive them. Was that really necessary?

Oh well, they could get rid of him later. And sitting next to her in the back seat was definitely more romantic. She smiled. And he smiled back at her. Yes. Things were finally going the right way.

As they drove around the compound and out of the main gate, Hella could feel the inquisitive, longing stare of every prisoner in the camp. Well, hopefully they´d forget about her for a while, so that she may concentrate all her powers on Klink. Less than three hours left... She needed to act swiftly, and above all: efficiently. And from what she´d seen tonight, she had gathered that perhaps romantic drooling was more Klink´s style. After all, that was what romantics did, wasn´t it? Taking their beloved for a ride in the moonlight?

Fine. She´d play it romantic then.

They didn´t drive very far. The sergeant parked the car in a secluded spot next to the railroad. Apart from the railroad-tracks, there was nothing but woods in sight.

And Klink had been right: a full moon illuminated the world around them in a silvery glow. It might not prove so difficult to play it romantic tonight. If only those fifteenhundred fools would stop thinking about what she and their Kommandant were doing! There was hardly a man in that camp who was not fancying about her present activities. Didn´t they have something better to do!? Keeping all those brain-waves in check was really draining her powers! And she needed them, oh, how she needed them tonight...!

♦

A secluded spot in the silvery moonlight beside the railroad-track.

"Schultz, we won´t need you for a while. Take a walk in the woods," Klink ordered his driver.

Schultz swallowed audibly. "Alone!?"

Klink scowled, but replied sweetly: "I´m sorry we didn´t bring a girl-friend for you. Get out!" he finished fiercely. Oh, how he must be longing to be alone with her...!

But Schultz still hovered. "Th... There is a nice moon out tonight, Herr Kommandant," he ventured. He wasn´t afraid of the dark woods, was he?

"Thank you, Schultz." Klink sounded like ice. "Get out!"

A resigned sigh. "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant."

Hella smiled as Schultz got out of the car and hesitantly disappeared among the shadows of the trees. This night could turn out very well indeed. A ten year´s prolongation at the very least! If only those fifteenhundred blasted prisoners would stop requiring so much of her attention...

For a while, they simply enjoyed a mutual silence. But in the end, Klink started with what was probably his favourite topic of conversation: "Well. Here we are."

She nodded. "Ja. Alone again, Wilhelm."

Suddenly an electric shock slashed through her mind. Alone?! They were not alone! They had a public; a public of what... dozens... no, hundreds, THOUSANDS, MILLIONS of people! And they all knew Frau Linkmeyer! They all saw clearly that she was not Frau Linkmeyer! She had to control them, now! Quickly!

But where were they? Nowhere in sight – she and Klink really were alone here in the woods.

Her mind searched frantically for that enormous public. But all she gathered was that they were very, very far away. And they used a kind of magical eye to watch her progress in roping in Klink.

Half scared of the vastitude of the task before her, her mind reached out to get hold of their brain-waves. It reached, further and further... but there was just emptiness. Nothing. Where were these people? Didn´t they have a brain or something? There was nothing there for her to control!

She panicked. Time was running out, there were those fifteenhundred hungry prisoners to control, with those other mysteriously unattainable millions only adding to her problems, and besides having to control all those, she´d have to really focus on Klink to get him to propose to her before the strike of midnight!

Still, getting Klink to marry her had to be her first priority now. But she couldn´t help her mind running around trying to figure out where those millions of other people were hiding. So nervously she broke the silence between the two of them. With a line that hopefully would get a drooling Klink started on the lifesaving subject: "It is very romantic. I approve."

She got a quick smile from him, though her mind was too busy to really register it.

"I´m glad you approve," Klink was saying. "And I approve of your approval."

No matter how stupid it sounded, at least she had him on the right track. After all, from approving of romance to approving of marriage... il n´y a qu´un pas! So: "What is it, Wilhelm?" Concentrate on him! Concentrate on Klink now!

She heard him swallow with difficulty. How sweet; like most men, he still found it hard to actually utter the fateful words.

But where on earth were all those people? How come she couldn´t reach them? Were they really on this earth? Or out in the void somewhere perhaps...? And what about that magical eye? How did that work?

"Gertrude," Klink finally began. She listened to him with half a mind; the rest of her brain was still struggling frantically to find those millions of people watching them.

"Frau Linkmeyer... er... I realize that you are very strongly attracted to me. It´s one of those things. You can´t help yourself. The moth and the flame..." Another swallowing.

She watched him expectantly. It was finally going well. But those millions of people with their magical eyes... They could ruin everything!

"I admire you," Klink continued. And she had to hand it to him: it sounded better every moment. "I admire you, very much. You are strong, and forceful..."

He hesitated, and Hella – reluctant to see him back out now – spurred him on: "Ja?"

"And er... forceful, and strong..."

"Danke, Wilhelm." An internal grin. Apparently those were the only features he admired in Frau Linkmeyer. Well, she couldn´t blame him. Frau Linkmeyer was probably the ugliest woman ever to live in the past, the present and...

And then the truth hit her... Those millions of people... she couldn´t reach them because they didn´t exist yet! They lived in the future! She had no clue as to how they did it, but their magical eyes could look into the past, and that´s how they saw her and Klink here in the woods, and earlier on in the camp. And because they didn´t exist yet, there was nothing for her to control! There was no escape; she didn´t have the slightest ability to control a brain – let alone millions of them – that didn´t even exist yet. Her game was up...!

Really up...

For at that very moment, Klink rushed out: "But for a wife I would like somebody weak and stupid."

"Whaaat!?" Hella screamed as she realized her double sentence. Had she lost her touch, had she been wasting her time with this mule when there was a whole campful of prisoners eager to get close to any woman at all?!

Or... had she simply taken on too much? Fifteenhundred hungry men to control, and now these millions of elusive futuristic people as well...

Klink still mumbled something about preferring somebody he could talk to, but she didn´t listen to him anymore. She leaned out of the window and shrieked at the top of her voice: "Schuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuultz!!!" And when he didn´t appear right away: "Schuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuultz!! Schuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuultz!!!!!!"

There came the big fat sergeant waddling back. "Did you call, sir?" he asked innocently. "Oh, er... I mean, gnädige Frau?"

"Back to the camp at once!" Hella ordered him with an angry but desperate tone in her voice. There was still time; perhaps she could...

"Jawohl, Herr Kommandant," Schultz saluted. "Oh, er... I mean er... I mean, gnädige Frau."

She glared at the bumbling fool. Fortunately that spurred him into action.

"At once, sir!"

♦

The silence in the car was brooding. Nor Klink, nor Hella uttered a word, and Schultz didn´t dare to open his mouth either.

When the car turned into the camp and came to a halt in front of Klink´s quarters, Hella was out in a flash, and slammed the cardoor shut in Klink´s face.

"But Frau Linkmeyer, please...!" she heard Klink whine.

But she had no time to listen. First she was going to cool her wrath on that Schwein of a general, and then she´d take a turn around the camp in search of an instant groom. So, throwing up her arms in desperate impotence, she ran into the building and slammed the door shut behind her.

"Gertrude...! Frau Linkmeyer...!" she heard Klink faintly begging through the door.

She stopped dead in her tracks. Had he perhaps changed his mind? Was he willing to marry her after all? She listened with tense expectation.

But no such luck. He was talking to someone else out there. Hrmpf.

And while Hogan outside inquired with Klink how his date had gone, and talked him into releasing Carter and Newkirk from the cooler immediately as agreed if he´d help Klink to scare off Frau Linkmeyer, Hella stomped into Klink´s living-room, where General Burkhalter lay stretched out on the sofa with a brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other.

"Well?" he enquired with all the audacity of a pest of a brother. "When will the wedding-bells be ringing?"

"You are the most loathsome Schwein in all of Germany!" she pitched out at him, making him choke on his brandy. "To interfere at every turn when I´m trying to win him over! It´s all your fault, Albert Burkhalter! And you´re going to pay for this! Dearly, I promise you! I´ll turn you into a stink-horn, here and now!"

She focused her concentration on him, and to his utter dismay Burkhalter suddenly realized he tasted the flavour of rotten eggs and tainted Sauerkraut in his mouth. And what was that: was he melting into the sofa!?

Hella fumed. There; that would teach the Schwein a lesson. And Klink. He deserved no better than having a gigantic stink-horn in his quarters.

But suddenly her eye was drawn to the clock on the mantelpiece. What?! Only ten minutes to midnight?! Ten minutes to...!

The Schwein would have to wait; first of all she needed a groom now. Time was running out terribly quick!

She stormed outside, forgetting all about the spell she had started on Burkhalter. It would reverse soon enough anyway if she didn´t complete it, but she´d worry about that later. That is: if there was going to be a ´later´.

Now where was that leader of the prisoners? The one with all the crazy ideas, who had written the loveletter? He might just be crazy enough to oblige her on so short notice.

No, no time to be picky. She´d have to take the first one she could get. So off she ran towards the barracks across the compound.

♦

"Anyone here want to marry me?" She cut straight to the point as she barged into the first barracks.

She was met by a stunned silence. And then a wave of laughter rang in her ears, followed by all kinds of cheeky remarks. But she reacted to only one: "Sure lady, why not?"

"Good," she said and pulled the guy off his bunk. "You promise you will marry me? As soon as may be?"

The man looked at her quite dumbfounded.

"Well? Will you marry me?" Hella urged him on.

He shook his head in the fiercest denial. "Never. Don´t even think about it!" And disgustedly he turned away, while his comrades laughed jeeringly. At her, not at him.

Obviously she was getting nowhere here. Better try another barracks.

So she hurried out and found her way to the next door. "Anyone here want to marry me?"

"Sure. What prisoner of war could possibly refuse a marriage proposal from the enemy-general´s sister?" an English private quipped.

She turned to him. "Well, will you do it then?"

But he stepped back and raised two fingers in the air. "Over my dead body, lady," he announced solemnly.

Hella stomped her foot in anger and despair. "A dead body is of no use to me!" She felt tears gathering in her eyes. Wasn´t there anybody willing to help? Time was running out so quickly...! Perhaps crying would do the trick? After all, men were men, enemies or not.

So: "But I really need to get married," she sniffed. "I need to get married now. Right away, or else..." She let the ´or else´ hang in the air; if they knew the truth, they would absolutely never agree to marry her.

"Come, come, lady," a young black sergeant soothed her. "Klink can´t be that bad. Why don´t you sleep on it first? Things always look brighter in the morning."

"No, they won´t," she sobbed. The way things were going, there might not be a morning for her...

"Well, then go and cry your eyes out with your filthy Boche friends. But let us sleep in peace, will you?" a Frenchman muttered from under his blanket.

He got so much applause that there was but one thing to do: get out of here and try yet another barracks. How much time did she had left?!

Perhaps she should show herself as one of those sexy young ladies, like the ones on the posters the prisoners had put up on the walls. Klink´s secretary might do; she looked attractive enough. But she had gone home hours ago of course, and there was no other woman around for miles. And posing as someone did require drinking them in first.

Oh well, there was no time for that anyway. She really had to focus on her task now. Get a groom. Quickly. And don´t let other things bother her. Especially those sneaky millions from the future. She simply couldn´t afford to be bothered by anything else. Just hurry... hurry to find a husband. Any husband at all.

She barged into the next barracks, and – oh wonder! – the prisoner´s leader was sitting at the table with a few other men.

Instantly she threw herself in his arms. "Will you marry me?"

He was slightly taken aback, and the other men stared at the scene, totally stunned.

"Wow," the leader said after just a moment. "Frau Linkmeyer, what are you up to? I thought you were going to marry our beloved Kommandant?"

She had no time for jokes. "Will you marry me? Now? Please!?" she begged.

The man grinned. "How about a kiss first?"

Anything to get him to marry her. He may be her last chance! So with all the desperate passion of her plight, she gave him exactly what he asked for.

The guys around whistled appreciatively.

"Now will you marry me?" she demanded when she came up for breath.

He frowned. "I´m sorry, Frau Linkmeyer, but I don´t understand. Why on earth would I want to marry you?"

"Because I have to... I mean..." Wait. Most humans wanted to marry for love, didn´t they? That much she had gathered over the centuries. "Because I love you so. You are so strong and forceful... And forceful, and strong..." How on earth did one go about to get a guy to marry you for love?! "And it was you who wrote that beautiful loveletter to me in Klink´s name, wasn´t it?"

A boyish American shook his head. "No, that was him." His thumb pointed at the Englishman sitting next to him.

Hella let go of their leader as if she had burnt herself. "You? It was you?!"

He saluted. "At your service, ma´am."

She didn´t mind his beard of several days; she just rushed at his side. "Will you marry me then?"

Her new prey grinned. "Well, what can I say? I suppose an ugly bird is better than no bird at... Hey! Where´d she go?"

Carter gulped. A raw, high-pitched shriek echoed back and forth through the room. And they all stared at the spot where Frau Linkmeyer had been standing just a moment before.

Shocked.

For there was nothing there.

Just a faint wreath of smoke.

"Holy cow..." Kinch mumbled.

And LeBeau cleared his throat. "Peter... were you really going to marry that woman? An ugly bird and all that..."

"Don´t be daft," Newkirk gave back. "Me and marrying? Never. It´s my new disappearing act," he tried to make light of it. "You know how I can make watches and coins and cards disappear? Well, this is simply the next level: make people disappear. You know, I´ve been thinking while I was in the cooler, and I´ve decided to take the official exam for magician after the war. So I have to practise."

Hogan gave him a puzzled frown, but Carter exclaimed: "Boy, that´s cool! Do you do it on request as well? How about letting Klink disappear?"

"Or even better: Burkhalter!" LeBeau chimed in. "Then hopefully Klink will stop being so overly protective of the camp."

"Try Hitler first," Kinch suggested dryly.

"I´ll think about it," Newkirk promised absentmindedly. But under his breath he muttered: "Blimey, I wish I was as good as that bloody kraut-witch..."

♦

When Hogan came out of Klink´s office the following morning after having convinced Burkhalter that Klink had merely jilted Frau Linkmeyer in order to spare him – Burkhalter – a lot of embarrassment, he ran into the general right away again.

"Gertrude!" the big man bellowed across the compound. It sounded as if he was calling for his favourite dog. "Gertrude, where are you? We are leaving!"

"Lost something, General?" Hogan inquired innocently.

Burkhalter gave him a glare. "Yes. My sister. You have not happened to see her, have you?"

Hogan shook his head. "Not since last night."

"Well, she must be around here somewhere. The car is still here," General Burkhalter pointed out.

Hogan grinned. "Who knows. Perhaps she´s gone up in smoke?"

The general huffed indignantly.

But at that moment Hilda popped her head outside. "General Burkhalter?"

Burkhalter instantly turned to smiles.

"Telephone for you, sir. It´s your sister."

"My..." The general growled and followed her inside.

Hogan, too, joined the party. Now he was really curious! What had happened to Frau Linkmeyer the other night when she mysteriously had gone up in smoke? He had been as puzzled by the creepy event as his men. But he didn´t quite believe Newkirk´s claims on the matter; as a matter of fact, he seriously doubted whether Newkirk believed it himself.

Burkhalter picked up the phone. "Gertrude, where are you? I´m looking all over the place for you!"

"I´m at home; where else should I be?!"

Burkhalter´s jaw dropped. And Hogan clearly heard and recognized that strong, bossy voice, too.

"Albert, why have you not told me about this new Geheime Household Polizei? You know very well that is just the kind of job I would love. So you´d better arrange a good position for me there, or I will never marry that Klink of yours!"

The End

Note from the author: the next time Frau Linkmeyer shows up, she is indeed engaged to someone else. Obviously General Burkhalter failed in getting her involved in the GHP...

Acknowledgements:

1) Several of the events in this story, as well as most of the love-letter in chapter 3 and huge parts of the dialogue in chapters 5, 6, 7 and 9 are borrowed from the Hogan´s Heroes episode on which this story grows like a fungus: "Watch The Trains Go By", written by Laurence Marks.

2) The notion that witches keep themselves young by marrying comes from Harrie Geelen´s Kunt U mij de weg naar Hamelen vertellen, mijnheer? episode nr. 14: De Bruiden van Dril.

3) The seed about a kind of National Household Police sending investigators to check whether the country´s housewives do a good job in their housekeeping was planted by Scheherazade in her column "Vrijheid" (Freedom), published in Cocktail Party. .

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Hogan´s Heroes is the property of CBS.

No copyright infringement is intended,

and no money is being made by the publication of these stories on the internet.

The home of these stories is www.konarciq.net.

Downloading and printing of these stories for private use only.

For all other forms of publication and distribution is the clearly stated, written permission of the author required.

E-mail

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Hogan´s Heroes fanfiction index

home